One of the biggest personal challenges I am facing right now is in regards to the bigness that is the topic of men, women and my role within this very important transformation and if I actually have one at all, or more accurately if I even want it.
Believe me when I say, I don’t want to predominantly be in spaces supporting women and men to clean up their shit with each other, there is other things I want to be doing/creating.
But some where along the way it has become to painful for me to sit in the space of not addressing this unconscious shit and so I’ve taken it upon myself to be an advocate for clearing out our old paradigm beliefs that are blocking us from creating something new and which are contributing to run the same old stories of not being met or living in a world we want.
A majority of Women love to hate men. There I said it.
There is glee in hating sometimes. I see glee often in womens hatred, I’ve seen it in myself too.
If it wasn’t true then man hating wouldn’t be so on trend.
Women love to blame men for their internal misery.
Women love to scape goat men for they themselves not having integrated their own “power”.
Women love to see men as the problem of the world and not look much deeper, if only men fixed all our complaints.
Theres big business and self interest in hating on men, on having a singular focus on M.e.n a.s t.h.e p.r.o.b.l.e.m
Women are angry deep down because men are not perfect, men are wounded leaders, men are struggling and acting out from that struggle and many women do not see men in their humanness, they see daddy, they see protectors doing a bad job at protecting, they see men and the patriarchy as all that is wrong with this world, they see what they want to see…men as failures and who couldn’t “step up” for the task.
You might be reading this and thinking no I don’t hate men Shaney…and you are right, women don’t hate men underneath it all…women actually deeply love and yearn for men.
I was in a fb group of 80k women, id say 70% of the posts were about man hating, how men are useless and yet no one was challenging them. What I did notice though was what was revealed in the comments; a deep yearning to be loved and met by men, that the man hating was just the ego front and yet none of them could see that the way they were going about it would ever get them what they truly yearned for.
So even if you are in touch with that part of you that loves men, We as women are apart of the collective narrative of man bashing. Allowing it to unfold, allowing men to be emotionally abused on the daily. We are enablers, no doubt about it. Knowing all I know, theres still times where I cbf speaking up to a woman clearing playing out her misandry.
The amount of women I sit with who truly believe they don’t have hateful feelings towards men and then start digging a little deeper and realise there is some shit there that is relative “truths” not absolutes, relative truths that are distorting a whole picture and that is why they keep coming up against such difficulty when relating with men, finding their voice and being able to clearly educate men with patience about their needs and instincts.
I get it, sometimes the easier root seems to chuck a tanty and say “all men are fucked”.
But its a superficial game blaming men and is keeping us on a wheel spinning getting no where, because it doesn’t address the root cause which is IN SELF and within the psyche of the collective at a whole, that WE AS HUMANS HAVE NOT YET NAILED HOW TO COMMUNICATE, politicians are a fine example.
And whilst I am an advocate for men, I am not a dumb ass. I name behaviours I see as shitty in men, I call out their own shadows games, I am not afraid of confronting men and saying what I think. I usually let them know when they are projecting leaky sexual energy. It took a long time to get here and I’m still working on bringing my voice. It took and takes an immense amount of courage to face MY OWN FEARS when it comes to standing up to men and masculinity. But I also face similar challenges in standing up to women.
What I realised when I began to face those fears particularly in regards to men, was my stories about men were more about me, my relationship to my inner masculine and my own leadership. That a majority of the time my confrontations when they were not coming from my own emotional reactions, were usually received and taken on by those so called shitty men.
What I have learnt about men is that a majority that I come into contact with, want to actually learn. They want to be better, they want to support me and bring their best but how that unfolds depends a lot on how I deliver my words, my energy, being clear of my own agenda, not shutting them down and respecting their own authority and truth ie: not trying to change them.
In spaces for men, i find that men are generally faster and more willing to take responsibility for themselves. Its very fast men turn things around (of course there is exceptions) but I find that when they are given the space they move things very fast and they want to get on with it and not wallow in the stories.
But I also find that its take more for men to open up their emotions, they are more skilled at self holding In fact its the default but once the gates open there is A LOT there.
But within the womens spaces, I come up against so much resistance. There is a lot of emotion, a lot of story but not a lot of self holding. A majority of women do not self hold, they collapse into victim by default.
And before anyone goes, “but thats because women have suffered more” NO women have not suffered more, women have suffered differently, atrocious things have been and continue to be done to women AND womens suffering is spoken about more than mens suffering, which we are only truly just starting to learn about.
Men don’t like to talk about their suffering because it means they will be seen as weak and not alpha and women don’t like it when men are not strong. We like to think we do, we are convinced we want men in their emotions, but I see it time and time again; when a man begins to un-do himself, all of a sudden it becomes again about the woman because she actually doesn’t want to see him undone because then who will do the holding?
Men have been thrusted into wars, men have experienced ptsd through horrific experiences, men get up everyday and do jobs they hate and that poison their spirits, men as well as women are exploited, as well as all humans to varying degrees. But we don’t talk about that so much and if we do we go into a battle of who has had it worse, who’s the victim, who’s the perpetrator and the battle continues.
The truth is men will never win the game of who has had it worse because….
Womens problems, women emotions, womens pain, womens needs dominate because…. womens power comes from our emotional bigness.
Yes now is the time for women to step forward and its happening, but I don’t think women taking the lead per say is necessarily going to make anyone any happier, those ceo business ladies certainly don’t often radiate happiness to me. In my experience, that seems to stress lots of women out more and bring forth more resent. No not all women.
Women and men developing better communication, greater empathy and being deeply in tune with what we really want is what I see as the solution. This starts with relating at home, with your inner and closet relationships. Dealing with the masses and its narratives is a big fucking fish when you cant even deal with your own inter personal relationships.
Knowing how to negotiate, communicate and meet each others needs without sacrificing self is the greatest challenge I see in relationship and that extends out to the collective.
Being willing to face death leave a relationship you love and undoing your co dependancy is a game changer, how many people out there are prostituting themselves in relationship for security wondering why they are miserable?
Looking at ourselves truthfully and being self responsible for our narratives and what we focus on is the starting point.
This topic is id say the BIGGEST topic currently being addressed right now. We are experiencing cultural shifts, men and women. but the focus is more on how men can do better, #metoo, #sheisnotyourrehab #thefutireisfemale and so on.
But dealing with your own stories, own resistances, own pains, your own areas of being incapable is where you start…NOT by projecting it all OUT THERE.
I have been feeling overwhelmed by the bigness of this topic. The shit I see playing out and the resistances people have around confronting self and the roles they play in this gender war.
We all have got to start getting honest. Bringing compassion to our stories and looking for ways to meet each other in this conversation of honesty so we can start moving forward at a more rapid rate.
This is the work of Awakening Connections.
Please go and support this work, it is and will be growing and a big team is coming together because we are tackling big and dense topics, breaking through very thick illusions.
Something I alone cannot address nor want too. And if you want to be apart of this mission, then get along to the ever evolving events and become a part of the team.
PS: In this post I am not speaking about the men who are narcissistic abusers, those we all seem to tend to focus on that are more a minority. I am speaking about the average man, those who are also being unconsciously and consciously demonised and all their good work being unacknowledged because they get categorised “as men”.
Photo of Shaney Marie by Bea Maz